Our relationships are essential to living a full life.  Connecting with others may be the most important thing we do in life.  Our relationships affect the quality of our lives which is why it’s important to learn how to build good relationships. 

Horses like humans are biologically programmed to form close bonds.  They are social creatures that readily and honestly respond to the challenges inherent in forming and sustaining a true partnership.  They live from their heart and can show us how to do the same and offer us the experience of what it’s like to be in an authentic relationship.

True partnerships are complex, deeply personal and can be an inexplicable thing, especially if it wasn’t modeled to you as a child.  People have all sorts of misleading ideas about relationships and what a true partnership is.  Movies, romanticize it as being an all consuming passion that is supposed to last forever, with someone who understands you completely, or takes care of your every need without you having to ask.  But healthy relationships are more than that, they are about creating a true, equal, caring partnership with another. 

Our relationships don’t start out as true partnerships.  They take time, effort, and are often a dance of give and take and only by working together can a relationship reach its full potential.

The following principles of a true partnership are universal.  They apply not only to romantic relationships, but also to, friendships, business relationships and our relationship with our equine partners.  Relationships that have these characteristics will grow stronger over time.

• Feeling safe to express yourself without judgment.  It’s important to be able to feel like you can fully be yourself.  We can’t create a true partnership when we can’t fully be ourselves with another, either out of our own self-consciousness or because we fear a negative reaction.  Horses don’t judge us and we are free to be our truest selves with them.  When our guard is down, our defenses soften and we can gently open ourselves to receive love, affection, friendship and insight.
• Feeling heard.  In a true partnership you should feel as though your partner listens to your thoughts and feelings and makes an effort to understand you without judgment or an agenda.  Working with a horse depends wholly on non-verbal communication they are always listening to our every expression and movement.
• The truth is more important than not hurting each other’s feelings.  Far too often we fall into the trap of not saying how we’re feeling out of fear of hurting another’s feelings.  Despite our well-meaning intentions, not talking about an issue only creates rifts in our relationships. A true partnership can’t survive emotional dishonesty.  Horses are always honest with us.  You always know where you stand with them because there is never a hidden agenda.
• Respecting each other’s boundaries.  Many people think that a true partnership means enmeshment.  A true partnership is about two people who come together with common goals and mutual caring, but that doesn’t mean they own one another.  We all need space and freedom to be our authentic selves and there is nothing more empowering than realizing we are responsible for our own needs.  The size of the horse motivates us, simply out of safety to command respect.  Once a person learns to set boundaries with such a large animal their ability to do so with their own species is much easier.
• Having an equal balance of power.  In a true partnership both people share the same sense of obligation, emotional investment and responsibility for making the relationship work.  It’s a hopeless situation when one person wants more from the relationship than the other, resulting in a power struggle.  You can’t expect obedience from a horse without earning it.  If you don’t give them trust, they won’t trust you.
• Serve as an avenue for personal growth.  A true partnership strengthens your personal growth.  It should expand you, not contract you.  Our relationships are one of the greatest ways we grow emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, they bring out all our fears, insecurities, character defects, and unresolved issues in a powerful way, and if you want the relationship to work, we have to work through them.  Working with horses also does this because they have the ability to mirror exactly what our body language is telling them. Allowing us to become aware of the messages we are sending and how this impacts our human relationships.

Our best relationships begin with, being a true partner to our authentic self.  It is impossible to change someone else, but we can always change ourselves.  We would love to hear how you apply the characteristics above in your relationship with yourself.

I received a lot of feedback about last week’s blog post on overcoming criticism.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the haters in my life are uncomfortable because I do not meet their expectations of how I should live my life and how I should feel about my life experiences.

This got me to thinking about how often we are attempting to live up to the expectations of others without even realizing it.

We are born into living up to others’ expectations. It starts with fitting into our parents’ expectations and then goes through our educational years to living up to our teachers’ expectations.  No where in life are we taught how to live up to our own expectations.

Way too many people live a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, according to what their parents, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media thinks it`s best for them. When we spend most of our time trying to be whatever everyone else wants us to be, wearing all kind of masks based on the role you are expected to be playing, you begin to lose yourself.  We begin to ignore our inner voice, that inner calling. We forget what makes us happy, what we want, what we need….and eventually we forget about ourselves.  

A study by Dr Mark Snyder from the University of Minnesota found that we quickly sense how others view us and play to these expectations.  We are influencing each other continuously, trying to live up, or down to each other’s expectations. Of course we only have direct control over our own expectations of others, so one implication of this study is that by changing our expectations of others we can actually change another’s behavior for the better or worse.  

The effect may be subtle, but it’s a powerful realization that other people’s behavior is partly derived from how we view them, just as our behavior is partly derived from how others view us. Think of any of the standard stereotypes about class, race and nationality. Each of these create expectations in other people’s minds.  Being aware of this we can consciously choose for ourselves how we will react and consciously choose what expectations we hold for ourselves.

If you have been pretending for far too long, chances are that you’re not even aware anymore of the fact that you are playing a role and that the life you are living is not really the life you once intended to be living.  This is why there are so many unhappy people in this world and this is why we feel so lost, so disconnected and so confused by everything and everyone. We live in fear, hiding ourselves, not wanting to be fully seen and not wanting to be hurt. But the irony is that we are already hurting. Our hearts and our souls are bleeding and because they have been bleeding for so long, we’ve gotten used to it. We’ve gotten used to the pain and we are drowning in our self created misery.
Become aware of your unawareness and decide to remove all the masks and all the costumes you have been wearing for all this time. Let the world see, love and appreciate the real you!

In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your remarkable self.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path. Dare to give up living your life to other people’s expectations and start living it Your Way instead.

A life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who are perhaps incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “what’s expected of you,” is a sure road to a regretful existence.  

Do more than just exist.  We all exist.  The question is: Do you live?

Existing without ever truly living was not what we want for ourselves. It takes a lot of courage to stand alone, but it’s worth it.  Being unapologetically YOU is worth it!

Don’t ever forget your worth.  Don’t you even dare, not even for a second, to think that who you are is not good enough and that you have to go around pretending to be something that you’re not just to be loved and validated. You are good enough!  Know that in this moment you are enough, you are good enough and you don’t need anyone or anything to feel this way. Never get your sense of worth from outside yourself. Don’t let other people tell you how much you’re worth, decide for yourself. After all it’s called Self worth not others worth.

You are not obligated to anyone more so than you are to yourself.  Your relationship with yourself is the closest and most important relationship you will ever have.  So don’t forget about YOU, and don’t be too hard on yourself either.  There are plenty of others willing to do both for you.  And remember, if you don’t take good care of yourself, then you can’t take good care of others either; which is why taking care of yourself is the best selfish thing you can do.

Life is all about expressing who we are fully and learning to accept, embrace, honor and treasure our authenticity, our uniqueness and our Divinity.  You didn’t come here on this planet to blend in, to lose yourself in the crowd and to pretend to be something you are not. You came here to honor yourself and to share your authenticity, your perfection, your unique and beautiful presence with the whole world. You came here to shine, to share your unique gifts and talents with all of us and to make the world a better place with your presence.

Don’t betray yourself just because so many people are already doing it. Stay true to who you are and in time you will be able to discover the power, the beauty and love that comes from doing just that. Don’t be like everyone else, be like YOU!

For when you start pretending to be something you are not, you automatically start rejecting your authenticity, your beauty and perfection. And as a result, you die on the inside, little by little.

Give up living your life to other people’s expectations and live it Your Way instead. Don’t get to the end of your life and say, “I did it all wrong. The life I have been living was never the life I intended to be living.”

No matter how old or young you are and no matter for long you have been living a life that was not yours to live, it’s never too late to return to your Self. Free yourself from all the things that are not aligned with who you are deep down inside. Be like a sculptor. Carve away the rough walls that imprison your beautiful and loving Soul and reveal yourself to the world. Throw away all the masks and let the whole world see what you are truly made of.

You are not obligated to live up to everyone’s expectations.  Life is under no obligation to give us what we expect.  And you are under no obligation to give others what they expect.  Never let someone’s opinion define your reality. Period.  Do things because you care.  Do things because you know it’s right.  Don’t just do things because everyone else expects you to.  You don’t need permission to grow.  

Only YOU can define what’s possible for you and your life.  Remember that real success in life isn’t what others see, but how you feel.  It’s living your truth and doing what makes you feel alive.  In the end, happiness is simply living your life your own way.  Start making progress on what’s truly important to YOU.  That’s when you begin to live life according to your own morals and values.  That’s when you can finally be at your happiest.

Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and pursue it at all costs.  That’s what this world needs – people like YOU who come alive. 

Allow yourself the freedom to speak your truth.  Yes, speak your truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, uneasy, and your voice shakes.  Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread carefully on every word you say.  Push your concerns of what others might think aside.  Let the consequences of doing so unravel naturally.  What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all.  And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve started behaving in a way that makes them feel they have less power over you. 

This life is yours and yours only and no one should take charge of it. Let go of living up to others’ expectations by listening to your gut feelings and by aligning your beliefs, values and rules to match them. Use your feelings as a guide. 

So while you’re out there making decisions instead of excuses, learning new things, and getting closer and closer to your goals, know that there are others out there, like me, who admire your efforts and are striving for greatness too.  

Why do you think so many people are willing to betray their own Souls just so that they can please those around them? I really want to know what are your thoughts on this. You can share your insights by joining the conversation in the comment section below.

It doesn’t matter how you choose to live your life — whether you build a business or work in town; have children or choose not to; travel the world or live in the same town all your life — whatever you do, someone will judge you for it.  Finding a reason to project their insecurities, their negativity, and their fears onto you and your life, and everyone of us will face dealing with it.

I’ve lived in small towns most of my life and one of the things I despise about it is, that whatever drama or life altering experiences you may have, they will not only be talked about by your neighbors and people that you don't even know, but you will be the whisper on their lips for many months to come.  It seems like no matter what decision I have made in my life, certain people seem to always know the outcome long before I do and this hurts most when it comes from someone you love and thought you could trust. 

I believe this small town mentality is due to a general malaise of boredom and monotony and generally comes from people who are scared to death of fully living their own lives.  While some of you will take offense to this, or simply dismiss my opinion; it would be a mistake to assume my opinion is the only one. Read this woman’s experience.  

It seems to me that the main reasons people criticize one another is FEAR:

1. Fear of action and their own failure. - Insecurities speak loudly!  Which is probably the most hurtful kind of criticism. People often criticize us because they wish they could have the courage to make the decision to fully live their own lives and chastise those who are doing so.  They are afraid that they don’t have it in them to pull it off.   Dr. Brené Brown says, “If you’re not in the arena getting your butt kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” I’d add to that: I hope that me being in the arena getting my own butt kicked can inspire others to enter the arena, as well.
2. Fear of the unknown and change. - People are often afraid of how our decisions and actions may change the status quo.  They like things as they are, have their own agendas, or are fearful of what will happen next.  When things are comfortable, we aren’t expected to grow or change.  Fortunately, and unfortunately, if we don’t grow and change, life circumstances will force it upon us whether we are ready or not.

The Truth About Criticism
We are often our own worst critics.  Healthy self-criticism can help you learn, improve and grow.  But when we spin out in the arena of our own negativity we often hurt others by projecting it onto them.  My aunt calls this leveling, when we tear others down in order to feel better about ourselves.

Are you your own worst critic?  When it comes to goals or just life in general, do you beat yourself up for not doing a better job?  Or if you are doing something well, do you find the smallest of flaws and glaringly point them out to yourself?

When we compare ourselves to others, this often stirs up a storm of negative self-talk.  “She’s so much prettier than me….he’s a better speaker…I’ll never be able to compete with that kind of talent,” and on and on.  And when we are here we are tempted to level anything in our path.  

Every person is an individual with unique gifts, talents and circumstances, so can we honestly say there is a true comparison between you and another person?  If another person inspires us to improve our lives that’s great, but our own insecurities shout volumes when we resort to leveling others.

There is nothing more liberating than realizing that a haters words and actions are a greater reflection of who they are as a person than it is about you!  Which means you can follow your heart, safely ignoring them and continue to blaze new trails!

Some beliefs about ourselves may be so subtle we don’t notice them.  I recently have been working with a woman who came to work with the horses because she knew that she was holding herself back from achieving her life’s goals by not believing she could succeed.  The message she had learned as a child was that she was “dumb and screwed-up.”  When I asked if she was willing to give up those labels, she looked surprised.  “How can I give them up,” she said, “when they are true?”  She had never thought of herself in another way.

“What about making mistakes?” I asked.  “We learn from our mistakes.  Are you allowed to make mistakes like every other person?”  She replied that her mistakes, only proved that she was dumb, but that when other people made mistakes, it didn’t determine who they were as a person.

When our self image is rooted in blame, shame and guilt, we fear being exposed as flawed, insufficient, or horrible.  With this self image there is no room for positive feedback and the negative only reinforces the shaming labels we apply to ourselves.  Our belief systems are rooted in our childhoods and are self-reinforcing until we work up the courage to move past our own vulnerability and uncertainty and choose new beliefs about ourselves and our lives.  This is often one of the greatest challenges we will face in life. 

I’ve done many things in my life I’m proud of and others that I’m not so proud of, both have opened me up to criticism.  It’s never been the criticism from outsiders that has held me back but my own inner critic that said, “you can’t do this.”  “Who do you think you are?”

Many of us have lived with so much judgment of ourselves that we take these feelings for granted.  We just think that’s how we’re doomed to feel.  Until we forgive ourselves, we don’t realize how much we need to, and how amazing it feels.  Forgiving ourselves reconnects us to the best parts of ourself and life.  

With self-compassion we can forgive ourselves for what we’ve done wrong, what we’ve done badly, and what we think we could have done better.  We can transcend our judgements of ourselves.

You can either be judged by others or judge yourself because you created something or be ignored because you left your greatness inside of you.  Eventually, I’ve always decided that it was more important to contribute something to the world than it was to protect myself from criticism.

We all like to be validated, respected and appreciated, and I still get triggered when certain people in my life, those I love and respect, criticize me about something important to me.  I think it takes a lifetime and often a lot of self-reflection and self-compassion to learn to face our own darkness.  It is a process I haven’t mastered yet and am still learning. 

According to research done at Florida State University, it is natural for most people to hold onto negative criticism because we remember negative emotions much more strongly and in more vivid detail than positive emotions.  The study entitled “Bad Is Stronger Than Good,” found that it takes five positive events to make up for one negative event.

How Do We Overcome Criticism?
In my experiences, here’s what I can summarize about dealing with haters.

1 First and foremost, don’t be the hater. Don’t be the person who tears down someone else’s hard work. The world needs more people who contribute their gifts and share their work and ideas. If you’re triggered by the criticism or resort to leveling other people because of your own insecurities, that’s a clear sign it’s time to do some work on yourself.  If your first reaction is to lash back or become defensive, walk away, take some time to cool off first.

2 Remember this is often not about you.  Don’t take it as a personal attack or an insult to who you are.

3 Focus on the positive and your path ahead. Don’t allow somebody else’s negativity derail or distract you, make you feel uncomfortable or depressed.  Nobody, but you, should have that much power in your life. 

4 If you choose to respond to the haters, be the bigger person and  kill them with sincerity and kindness. Most people don’t want you to convince them they are wrong, they just want to know you care.  Thank the critic, it’s unexpected and often appreciated. 

5 One of the keys to success in anything you do in life is to turn a negative into a positive.  You can always learn something from someone else, even if that’s how not to be.  Criticism can also be an opportunity to improve yourself.  Being the bigger person is always a way to turn a negative into a positive, because it makes you feel better about yourself, you are above stooping to the haters level.  Others will admire you for being able to rise above it, remain positive and handle it well.

6 Finally, and most importantly, follow your heart, make the choices that are right for you. People will criticize you either way.  Your life is too short to worry about pleasing haters. 

Strength shows not only in the ability to persist but the the ability to begin again. Nobody likes the idea of starting over. I know I don’t. But sometimes life forces your hand calling you to reset, whether your ready or not.

If you’ve invested any time building anything - a business, a marriage, a life - you know that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach when you have to begin again. It’s hard.

This is why so many people stay in jobs they hate or keep going back to the same old, unhealthy addictions that leave them broken. It’s easier that way.

But there’s something beautiful about starting over, something liberating about beginning again. The best day of your life is the one in which you decide your life is your own.  No apologies or excuses.  No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  This gift is yours - it is an amazing journey and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.  This is the day your life really begins.

Square One?
Never be afraid to start over it’s a new chance to rebuild the life you really want. There is no such thing as going back to square one.  Even if you feel like your starting over, you are trying again with more knowledge, strength and power than you had before. Your past experiences, failures, and successes have all taught you something. More than you realize. And knowing what you know now means you aren’t starting over. You’re just beginning again, building on the foundation of your life. Your journey was never over, it was just waiting for you to find it again.

Do something new, now
When was the last time you did something for the first time? Do you remember what it felt like? It was probably fun, possibly even thrilling. I bet it required some hard work, too.  Maybe it’s time to do that again. To take a risk. To break a rule. To start.

The Power of a To-Live List
A to-live list is simply a collection of wishes, dreams, and moments of joy you want to experience in your life. It’s not just a bucket list, but also a collection of things you’d love to do more often. It helps you get excited about life.

Write down the experiences you want to have, the big and the small. Write down little pieces of life that you want to create for yourself. This list doesn’t have to be complete. It’s supposed to give you an idea of the joys you could allow yourself to have and the things you believe make life worth living. 

Read your to-live list out loud.  How does it make you feel? Do you get excited? Does it make you smile and give you a warm, tingly feeling? 

Think about the goals you have been working toward.  Do they fit into the snippets of life you’ve just envisioned for yourself? If not, can you change them to fit your dreams and needs?

Take your time to plan how you can make your dreams a reality.  Some points may be easy to cross off your list. Others, like “do work I care about” might take longer to realize. Those are the dreams you want to have a plan for.

Revisit your list often, especially when you feel like you’ve lost your direction.  It will give you the focus you need to reconnect with your why and make your dreams a reality.

Maybe you’re in a season in which you feel like what you’re doing is all for nothing, that you’re doing all this work and nobody’s paying attention. But maybe that’s not the whole story.

Maybe you’re being prepared for a season that hasn’t come yet. If that’s the case, may I encourage you to do one thing?

Show up
Even when your not seeing results… show up.
Even when the critics tell you to quit… show up.
Even when you’re tired and tempted to throw in the towel… show up.

If this is a time of preparation for you, do the work. Show up. Because what you are doing is sowing — planting seeds of your future, — and though you may not reap them for some time, the work you’re doing is not pointless.

Stay the course, be brave, and your season will come.

Every time there is a major shift in our lives, and in the past couple years since I was regularly posting here on Montana Ranch Girl there have been a few, we have to take control of who we will choose to be because of the shifts.  Change means reinvention.

I think myself, as well as many of us, struggle with embracing change. And it seems like the more I resist the roller coaster of change in my life, that the more change comes my way.

Dramatic changes bring with them fear, loneliness, and anxiety. While we cope the best and the only way we know how, we often isolate ourselves, when what we really need most is to be embraced by others.

When first diagnosed with cancer, for the longest time, I refused to believe that change was in the realm of possibility. I’ve since learned that change can happen quickly and at any point, especially when it’s not convenient. Before cancer everything in my life seemed to be just about perfect and I couldn’t accept that my life soon could and would be very different.  I had to learn that acknowledging change is allowing it to happen as it unfolds instead of approaching it from a place of fight or flight, either through denial or resistance.

Like most adults I’ve reinvented myself several times before.  I’ve never been happy waiting for my future to find me.  But after cancer I had forgotten that I had to choose reinvention.

I finished chemo in January of 2014 and radiation in March and was supposed to take a pill form of chemo until September.  The pill form of chemo created other health issues, including severe blood clots and cysts.  After getting a second opinion from a dear friend of mine who happens to be an oncologist, I went against my oncologist wishes and stopped taking the drug in July.

My treatments put my mind in a chemical haze making it hard to write or string sentences together.  Physically depleted I could not go back to work at the ranch so I took a job in town that made me miserable.

And then I turned 40.  I didn’t take this birthday gracefully.  I was certainly not where I wanted to be in my life at this age.

I quit my job in town and went back to work at the ranch, but still had this nagging feeling that I was not reaching my full potential and physically no longer wanted to work so hard.

Another year goes by and I’m still waiting for my future to find me, lost in my own grief, loss, confusion, and sadness.  And then after a particularly stressful spring and fall here at the ranch we had a devastating hay fire.

It was literally a baptism by fire, I had my first panic attack and realized my life had to change and change now!  I realized that I was having so much trouble moving forward because I had no idea what it was that I wanted to move towards.  I was thinking about my past, but not what I wanted for my future.

I started a new business, Agri-Marketing Solutions and started working in the office at the ranch.  And what I’m really excited to announce is that I am now launching a second business Cowgirl Grit and Grace and future blog posts can be seen there.

Please bare with me, the website is not yet complete, but I promised you, my readers, that I would make this announcement this week, and it’s the last day of the week.

Reinvention is neither easy nor always smooth.  We often encounter resistance from those around us who can’t see us in new roles.  And resistance from ourselves, it’s often hard to let go of what’s familiar and comfortable, even when those things cause us pain.  We often struggle with limiting beliefs or stories about ourselves that hold us back from trying new things.

But, as John Wayne said, “courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.”  I hope you choose courage instead of letting your fear choose your future for you.